On the Surface , I look successful and ambitious, outgoing and keen, always applying and looking for more opportunities. I landed a good internship freshman year (of course a personal referral was necessary because of this world we live in now), but beyond all this, I still feel empty and unmotivated.
To be frank, I was very blessed. From an upper middle class family, I attended a fantastic private high school, had many opportunities and had a great support system and community wherever I went. One problem I have always faced is never finding any great passion or interest in anything. Every activity I did, I worked for the resume, the experience, the never-ending cycle that feeds on itself. I would tell others that I just wanted to try new activites and explore, but the root reason always stems from the idea of doing well to land my dream job, whatever it may be.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved all my experiences, but I have always been risk-averse and selecting only the safest of jobs. I have never stood up for what I want; I want to travel, to be a food blogger, to be a dancer or a singer, even for just one summer. But there is always the nagging feeling of not being productive so I choose to work at large, stable, corporate firms. I’ve seeked now for years for just one moment of passion, but it has still been ever elusive. I feel like just another member of the masses, a social system that makes you strive for something you know nothing about, the only hope being the thought that it must be wonderful.
More recently, I have faced my first bout of failures and rejections. Before this summer, I was very fortunate to never receive a rejection from what I really wanted, as always staying on the safer side in fear of failure. But I reached out and decided to to change, applying for super selective programs with the mindset of “no chance of failure”. However, reality hit hard when I received rejection after rejection. I was shocked by the results and blamed my age or the competitive nature. On the surface, I pushed it away and made excuses that I was young, but it really stung.
Now that it has been a few week, I’m slowly starting to get over the rejections, even if they keep on coming. I’m trying to cope and find a bridge between what’s on the surface and what’s inside; expressing myself and working hard to improve. It’s uncomfortable to be vulnerable but even with this blog, it’s a way of anonymously expressing what’s below the surface.
Nothing ever comes easy and I’m still trying to see what I will be doing next year and the years after. Taking risks are scary, but even if failure knocks me down again and again, I feel that one day it will pay off and I’m just waiting for that to happen.